My "journey" isn't starting off with a bang, that's for sure. I utterly failed to follow my schedule I so carefully outlined for last week. I have so far failed to follow my schedule for this week. I am so utterly lacking in will power of late. It's distressing.
However, even writing all about failure and lack of will power is falling back on bad habits. I'm supposed to have a positive outlook, no matter if I reach my daily goals or not. I'm reinforcing my negative opinion of myself, which is counter-productive.
So, I have made some very good decisions during the past week. I've had several opportunities to overeat, and did not do so. Case in point, I received a box of chocolates from hubby as a sort of post-Valentine's day gift (he was out of town for the holiday). I had a few of my favorite chocolates out of the box and then gave the rest to the kids. That act saved me several hundred calories. Last night, I really wanted a snack and my first desire was pasta with meatballs, which would have been more than 500 calories. I looked for an alternative snack but couldn't find one that was appealing. Recognizing that I'd likely want to keep eating until I had a similar treat to the pasta, I asked hubby if he wanted some pasta and of course he did. So, I put a very small amount in a bowl for me and gave him the rest. I was satisfied, both with my snack and with my solution.
My weight has been holding - I'm very good at maintenance. :)
I am very close to finishing the first draft of my book, so my only goal today is to get some writing done.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Not sunrise
So, one of my current goals is to get myself on a more productive schedule. I waste a lot of time: sleeping, reading novels, wondering what to do next. For instance, I will sleep until 10:30 am (because I work from home and that's when my youngest will wake), work until 7 or 8, hopefully work in some form of exercise during the day (like possibly a walk, or attending a gym class), do dinner and some cleanup and then go to bed with a book. I end up spending about 12 hours in bed, either sleeping or reading, most days. I'm cheating myself out of 4 hours of productivity a day. I'm bored at the weekend because I'm not sure what to do with myself because I've spent all week lounging and doing what I want (aside from working). I need to be more productive Monday through Friday and then chill on Saturday and Sunday if I want, as long as I get in my exercise on those days.
First, I need to start getting up a lot earlier. When I do wake earlier, I'm far more productive. I won't hop into bed at 6:00 pm, even if I woke up at 6:00 am, but I will hop into bed at 10:00 pm, even if I didn't wake up until 10:00 am. Does that make sense? So, earlier to start is the name of the game. Only, that's so much easier said than done. I've been trying to talk myself into an earlier start time for weeks with not a single day of success. It should be easy enough; I get up at 6:00 am to wake my daughters for school. Instead of going back to bed, I should get into the shower to wake up and start my day. I even thought about it this morning when I was getting back into bed. I told myself I should jump into the shower instead. But, I knew I would feel like crap because I hadn't been able to fall asleep until after 2 am and I had a headache, so I opted for sleep.
This is one of the conundrums - I can't force myself to fall asleep early the night before because I had slept in late and I'm not tired. Which means that the first few days I will be tired. And feel like crap. I was doing this when the school year started because I was so determined to become a morning person. I would get up early most days of the week, feeling terrible the first few days, then by mid-week I'd finally start falling asleep earlier so that by the end of the week I felt better but then on the weekend I'd sleep in again and start the whole yucky process again on Monday.
So, I know the solution is to get up at 6am every morning, every day of the week, no matter what. Only, now I know how crappy I will feel the first few days and I'm loathe to do it. If I hadn't known how crappy I'd feel, it'd be a lot easier to do this. I know I need to just bite the bullet and feel crappy and get over it, but early in the morning, when I really just want to sleep, it's very easy to convince myself that I can't feel crappy today because I have too many things to do and I'll start tomorrow. Or I won't sleep as late; I'll work my way up to getting up at 6 so I won't feel so crappy. Only, as today, I'll sleep until 10:30 anyway.
Gotta love the cycle. My every day goal is to be strong enough to get myself in the shower at 6am and stay awake, no matter how yucky I will feel. And to do that every morning, without fail, until I no longer feel yucky.
Will tomorrow be the day?
First, I need to start getting up a lot earlier. When I do wake earlier, I'm far more productive. I won't hop into bed at 6:00 pm, even if I woke up at 6:00 am, but I will hop into bed at 10:00 pm, even if I didn't wake up until 10:00 am. Does that make sense? So, earlier to start is the name of the game. Only, that's so much easier said than done. I've been trying to talk myself into an earlier start time for weeks with not a single day of success. It should be easy enough; I get up at 6:00 am to wake my daughters for school. Instead of going back to bed, I should get into the shower to wake up and start my day. I even thought about it this morning when I was getting back into bed. I told myself I should jump into the shower instead. But, I knew I would feel like crap because I hadn't been able to fall asleep until after 2 am and I had a headache, so I opted for sleep.
This is one of the conundrums - I can't force myself to fall asleep early the night before because I had slept in late and I'm not tired. Which means that the first few days I will be tired. And feel like crap. I was doing this when the school year started because I was so determined to become a morning person. I would get up early most days of the week, feeling terrible the first few days, then by mid-week I'd finally start falling asleep earlier so that by the end of the week I felt better but then on the weekend I'd sleep in again and start the whole yucky process again on Monday.
So, I know the solution is to get up at 6am every morning, every day of the week, no matter what. Only, now I know how crappy I will feel the first few days and I'm loathe to do it. If I hadn't known how crappy I'd feel, it'd be a lot easier to do this. I know I need to just bite the bullet and feel crappy and get over it, but early in the morning, when I really just want to sleep, it's very easy to convince myself that I can't feel crappy today because I have too many things to do and I'll start tomorrow. Or I won't sleep as late; I'll work my way up to getting up at 6 so I won't feel so crappy. Only, as today, I'll sleep until 10:30 anyway.
Gotta love the cycle. My every day goal is to be strong enough to get myself in the shower at 6am and stay awake, no matter how yucky I will feel. And to do that every morning, without fail, until I no longer feel yucky.
Will tomorrow be the day?
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Packing
This is me... preparing for my journey. I'm packing what I'll need (perseverence, motivation, desire, self-reflection, self-discipline, courage) and planning my itinerary (where do I want to go? what do I want to accomplish?). You can't just decide to go on a journey, hop on a plane and take off for destinations unknown. Well, I guess you could if you were rich and didn't need a job. For the rest of us, we need to save money, plan, pack, prepare. The same goes for life changes. You can't just decide one day that you don't want your job anymore; that you want to be a lawyer instead of a car mechanic, then quit your job and start looking for a position as an attorney the next day. If only it were that easy, huh?
So where do I want to go? Well, I want to change jobs. Right now I work as an editor. It's horribly boring and predictable and frustrating. It was a rather cool job more than ten years ago, especially as I'm editing reports for a PI firm. However, the cool factor dissipated years ago and now I'm plodding away at my computer for eight hours a day for the same reason most of us go to work: to get paid. Not the way I want to spend the rest of my life. So, what do I want to do, you might ask? Okay, this is going to sound totally cliched and I apologize for that, but I want to be an author.
I've enjoyed writing and reading since as far back as I can remember. I can remember the first story I wrote (or at least the first story I remember writing) when I was around five years old. Yep, way back then. I wrote my first novel-length story at 14. I've written five novel-length stories to date. I've gone years without writing - when I was busy raising kids, working all hours of the day and trying to keep up with the humdrum of life's demands, but most years I've been writing.
So, what's stopping me from publishing a book? Fear! Lack of self-esteem! Lack of perseverence! I'll never make it. I'm not good enough. Everything I write is crap. I never actually throw what I write in the trash, but I have mentally discarded every word as wrong, useless, wasted time. I'm lacking in talent, in writing ability, in drive.
No more fear. No more negative self-talk. No more discarding my initial efforts. I'm going to persevere past the first draft to the second draft, past the second draft to the third draft, past the endless edits to the submission, past the rejections to the acceptance. And, while I'm waiting for the acceptance, I'm going to start on the next idea and follow through to the bitter end with that one too.
That's one leg of the journey. The second leg: Weight. Another cliched goal, I'm sorry to say. I've been "on a diet" since before I could define diet. I wasn't a chubby child, but I may as well have been. I've been obsessed with weight since pre-puberty. Unfortunately, that led to being obsessed with food. I think about food from the moment I wake until the moment I fall asleep. I'm sure I dream about food. I read a great line today in the book "My Other Body" "She doesn't eat because the food tastes good. She eats because wanting to eat feels terrible." As soon as I read that, I wanted to yell "that's me!!" In fact, I may have yelled it but luckily no one was around over 4 feet tall to hear it and wonder at my sanity.
So those are parts of the journey, but not all of it. I want to learn to live life in the moment. To be mindful. To be, if not happy, then content with my every day, rather than always wishing for tomorrow.
I have wished my days away to the age of 36 and I'm ready to start wanting to be in the here and now.
So where do I want to go? Well, I want to change jobs. Right now I work as an editor. It's horribly boring and predictable and frustrating. It was a rather cool job more than ten years ago, especially as I'm editing reports for a PI firm. However, the cool factor dissipated years ago and now I'm plodding away at my computer for eight hours a day for the same reason most of us go to work: to get paid. Not the way I want to spend the rest of my life. So, what do I want to do, you might ask? Okay, this is going to sound totally cliched and I apologize for that, but I want to be an author.
I've enjoyed writing and reading since as far back as I can remember. I can remember the first story I wrote (or at least the first story I remember writing) when I was around five years old. Yep, way back then. I wrote my first novel-length story at 14. I've written five novel-length stories to date. I've gone years without writing - when I was busy raising kids, working all hours of the day and trying to keep up with the humdrum of life's demands, but most years I've been writing.
So, what's stopping me from publishing a book? Fear! Lack of self-esteem! Lack of perseverence! I'll never make it. I'm not good enough. Everything I write is crap. I never actually throw what I write in the trash, but I have mentally discarded every word as wrong, useless, wasted time. I'm lacking in talent, in writing ability, in drive.
No more fear. No more negative self-talk. No more discarding my initial efforts. I'm going to persevere past the first draft to the second draft, past the second draft to the third draft, past the endless edits to the submission, past the rejections to the acceptance. And, while I'm waiting for the acceptance, I'm going to start on the next idea and follow through to the bitter end with that one too.
That's one leg of the journey. The second leg: Weight. Another cliched goal, I'm sorry to say. I've been "on a diet" since before I could define diet. I wasn't a chubby child, but I may as well have been. I've been obsessed with weight since pre-puberty. Unfortunately, that led to being obsessed with food. I think about food from the moment I wake until the moment I fall asleep. I'm sure I dream about food. I read a great line today in the book "My Other Body" "She doesn't eat because the food tastes good. She eats because wanting to eat feels terrible." As soon as I read that, I wanted to yell "that's me!!" In fact, I may have yelled it but luckily no one was around over 4 feet tall to hear it and wonder at my sanity.
So those are parts of the journey, but not all of it. I want to learn to live life in the moment. To be mindful. To be, if not happy, then content with my every day, rather than always wishing for tomorrow.
I have wished my days away to the age of 36 and I'm ready to start wanting to be in the here and now.
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